Roommate Dynamics: How to Be Friends, Not Just Co-Tenants

By Ashley Paskill

If you are a college student who lives in an off-campus house or apartment, you likely have a roommate. While many people have roommates they know, you may not have met your roommate before this semester. It can be challenging to live with someone you do not know that well, but it is possible to move from just being co-tenants to being friends with your roommate.

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Get to know each other before moving in

Before you even move in together, take time to get to know each other. If possible, meet up in person, but if you live too far away, consider video chatting. When you are talking, ask each other questions to get to know each other better and to find out what you have in common. This way, you will be able to get a sense of what the other person is like and what things you both value in life. It is important that you have at least some level of connection. If you are completely different with no common ground, it may be difficult to find a bond and get along.

Be friendly first

The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. It may be tempting to not talk a lot at first, especially if you are shy, but it is important to make an attempt to engage in conversation and be friendly so your roommate knows that you want to be friends. Ideally, you either met in person or talked online before moving in, so you have a basis of commonalities to draw from. Pull from things you remember about your roommate and have a conversation about that. Being able to recall details will let your roommate see that you care and will help build the relationship. However, it is also important to not overwhelm your roommate with cheerfulness and enthusiasm as this may come across as off-putting.

Go on roommate dates

Spending time with your roommate is a great way to get to know each other and become friends. Doing things that at least one of you is interested in will help you learn about each other. It gives you a chance to see each other in a more natural environment where you can shine with something you are passionate about. Take turns choosing what to do and make sure there is time to talk about the experience over a meal or coffee. Make sure you do things that you can both afford without going over your budgets. Try to set aside a day or evening once a week or once every couple of weeks to do something fun together.

Communicate

The best way to build a solid relationship is to have reliable communication. While you should be communicating with your roommate even without being friends, it is especially important to communicate if your goal is to be friends with your roommate. Make sure you are clear on each other’s schedules and know when you are each bringing people over to study or hang out. If either of you are having a problem or you are frustrated with each other, it is important to feel comfortable enough to bring it up with the other person. Otherwise, the person will hold it in, which will build resentment and can destroy the chance to build the friendship you are hoping for.

Establish boundaries

Even the best of friends have boundaries. The key with friends is that the boundaries are clearly established and both parties respect the other’s boundaries. Set clear boundaries and responsibilities with things like chores, shopping, and borrowing clothes or other items. It is also important that you are clear about the kind of relationship you want with your roommate. Be upfront about wanting to be friends so that you can meet this need if your roommate agrees. Not establishing a relationship or boundaries may lead to issues and arguments down the line. Again, communication is super important here.

Be honest

Whether you are having an issue with your roommate or you made a mistake in the relationship, it is important you are honest. Eventually, the truth will come out and your roommate will be even more mad that you kept something from them or even lied instead of bringing an issue up. This can lead to mistrust and difficulty in re-establishing a friendship. If you are good friends, you should be able to trust that they will want to hear the truth, even if it is difficult. Issues arise in every relationship and things come up that need to be worked through. This does not mean that you are not meant to be friends. Honestly dealing with issues will determine the future of your friendship with your roommate.

Roommate issues tend to be the main focus of college lore, but if the relationship starts strong and things are maintained as any other healthy relationship, it is possible to be friends with your roommate.